Bill Simmons book signing.

Tonight I finally met Bill Simmons in person after years of reading his column and even a few email exhanges here and there. He did a book signing over at Borders in Westwood so I figured I'd go over there and kill two birds with one stone (bird one: actually get book. bird two: get book signed and meet Bill). A couple of highlites: some girl went to the signing for her boyfriend, who couldn't be there. So Simmons had her call him up on his cellphone so he could say a quick hello. Some guy brought him a bunch of DVD's - the White Shadow collection along with some others. Actually that guy went right before me, so the first thing I said when I got up there was "yeah I didn't bring you anything." "Doesn't matter," he said. "You probably couldn't have topped that." Right. Anyway who buys things for the authors at these things? I went to two different book stores today to try and get the book in advance, and they were both sold out. Bill's obviously going to be pretty strapped for cash these next few months. He even told me he already had all the DVD's the guy brought him. I mean seriously, he's only been talking about those damned White Shadow DVD's for the last few years, did you really think there was a chance that he didn't have them yet? I think he even wrote that Fox sent him the DVD's when they came out. Alright now I sound a little crazed. Forget it. Oh one other funny thing: some UCLA guys who were there together brought a hammer and a copy of Rocky 5, then took pictures of Bill as he pretended to smash it to pieces.

I got up there and, after telling him I didn't bring anything, introduced myself and talked a little about how I started reading him, about how I'd read the first chapter of the book while waiting in line and that it was weird to read him swearing in print. Then we talked about Aaron Sorkin (West Wing writer), because in the "cowbell" section today he mentioned that he'd gotten his hands on the pilot script of Sorkin's next show (read about it here if you want). Simmons was really sincere about how amazing he thought it was. Even better than the West Wing stuff, he said. Of course Bill is mistaken about this, but I didn't want to start arguing with the guy. Anyway he asked me if I wanted him to write anything specific, obliged my request, and we shook hands before I took off.

A couple of surprises about the book: I already mentioned the swearing -- I'm looking forward to reading this writer without the constraints of Disney's censorship. Also, it's really long. It literally starts with Bill being born and apparently takes us all the way up to the Boston World Series win. Over 350 pages; and he makes little side notes in the margins of each page regarding certain things you're reading in the main text. There are exactly 500 of these side notes, so I think the thing to do is read the whole book and then go back and read the side notes, just as you'd watch a DVD movie and then go back and check out the extras afterward. Lastly: we learn the Sports Gal's name and his daughter's name.

Anyway, certainly glad I finally met Bill, and am looking forward to what I'm sure will be a very quick read with "Now I Can Die in Peace." Oh yeah, here's the inscription on my copy.

USC Trojans: Don't respect this paper tiger of a team. Also they might be racists.

A number one ranked team that almost loses every game it plays. Un-freaking believable. That ball going out of bounds on the second to last play seems like the kind of thing that breaks for these guys every single week. Look, I was a believer earlier this season. Josh and I were admitting to each other that the Trojans were men among boys. But I like my #1's to be unstoppable. I like them to walk out of every stadium they play in leaving no question that they're the better team. Instead they go into every game with everyone wondering if this is finally the week their luck runs out. But I still have to give them credit because they haven't lost. I just wish someone would finish the job so I can stop doing that.

Now then, let's talk about credit. First of all, give all of it to Brady Quinn. What a badass that guy is. The Niners should trade Alex Smith, a draft pick, and a couple of cable cars for the right to get him in two years. Second of all, poor Reggie Bush. Every article I read, every mention of USC, it's "Matt Leinart and the USC Trojans." Did you know that Reggie was the team MVP last year? That the Trojans were asked to pick the best guy on their team and it wasn't Leinart? How is it that the best player on the best team finishes 5th in the Heisman voting? Thank you, racist New York sportswriters association. During the 3rd quarter today one of the broadcasters accurately compared Bush to Barrie Sanders, in that he's capable of anything every time he touches the ball. He went on to describe any attempt to tackle him as "Dante's 9 stages of hell." Why isn't Reggie Bush on the cover of ESPN the magazine? Why isn't he an LA celebrity and the talk of the town like Matt? Thank you, Nazi shithead USC athletic department.

So then I switch over to the UCLA game and of course we're losing. Adding insult to injury we've got Petros Papadakis with us as a color guy. Like it's not bad enough that he's a Trojan. The first play I see is a handoff to Maurice Drew. Petros reacts by rhetorically asking Barry Tompkins if he's "ever tried to tackle a bowling ball." He goes on to compare Marcus Everett's 4th quarter touchdown reception to The Catch, only "not really as big of a deal though." He also assures us that nobody's going to throw a gatorade bottle at the Wash St. kicker's head if he misses a 62 yard field goal attempt -- further adding that "maybe if they had that kicker with half a foot from the 60's they'd have a chance at the field goal." I honestly believe Petros thinks he and Barry are just hanging out in that booth together alone, just watching the game without any live microphones nearby.

To review:

USC PR department: racists.
UCLA PR deptartment: of, by, and for all mankind.
Leinart: bum.
Quinn: not the next Joe Montana -- the first Brady Quinn.
Petros: really bad sportscaster. pretty good freestyle rapper.
Jones-Drew: probably isn't a bowling ball.
AJ4A: bad golfer. really bad football player. also not a bowling ball.

Let's Get Nuts: Gillette Unvails the Fusion.

Well, I suppose we should have seen this coming. The arms race that is the international men's shaving market now escalates with Gillette's introduction of their five-bladed machete known as the Fusion. In my last razor entry I quickly dismissed Schick's Quattro four-blader as a nonsensical piece of machinery that we need not pay any attention to. I still stand by that, basically because they hired that guy from Survivor to pimp their brand, but obviously I stand corrected with respect to the notion of a more-than-three-blade razor concept. I see Gillette as the standard bearer for all things shaving. Maybe it's their products or their commercials or that confident fellow they've got doing the voice over for their commercials, but for me they're the industry leader. I don't know why. Actually, I do know why: it's because they were the first ones to go multiple blade. The Sensor. Ah what a razor that was. The good ol' days, when razors came in either one or two blades, and gas was $1.50 a gallon. Anyway, back to the present. Five blades. According to CNN the Fusion won't be out until early next year, which gives us plenty of time to lube up our faces with axel grease in preparation for this chainsaw that Gillette's going to try and sell us. Five blades? How will the public react? What is the pain and believe-ability threshold when it comes to these products? Perusing the Fusion's website, we see that one of the main selling points is a new handle that's got some rubber ridges on it so as to facilitate a "comfortable and safe shave." Are we really that gullible? Are men all over America going to see their ad on TV and think "oh a new handle, that's nice; that's what I've been missing. Better add that to this week's grocery list." Maybe so. With five razorblades touching my face at the same time, I'm going to need to have a reliable grip.

Anyway, joke all you want about the ridiculous brinksmanship going on with these two companies, but certainly Gillette isn't kidding with this latest offering- last year they sold 10 billion dollars worth of razors worldwide.