Attention Passengers

Dear Person Sitting Next to Me on the Plane,

We've been through a lot together. That 3 hour delay out of O'Hare, the cancelled flight to Oakland, hell, we go all the way back to the time when flight attendants were still called stewardesses. You've sat next to me during good times and bad, and there are plenty of adventures we've still yet to share. But it's time we had a talk. There are some things I've been wanting to discuss with you for quite some time, and I feel that if I don't do it now, we may be headed for disaster.

First. When I put in my headphones and become awash in the lacrymose musical auras of my dark metal overlords, well, that is not a good time to talk to me about the in-flight magazine. Even if it doesn't sound like I'm listening to anything at all, and I may not be, please remember that 'headphones-in-ears' is the international sign for "not available for conversation right now." If you insist on ignoring the sign, I'll be forced to sigh audibly and give terse one word responses so as to indicate that you've done something wrong. You'll feel bad, I'll later feel embarrassed for being a jerk - nobody wins. So please. I promise to participate in small talk later on in the flight if you'll just allow me some private time now.

Secondly, about that small talk. If being on an airplane makes you want to talk about air travel, please turn to the other person next to you and have the conversation with them, for I have nothing to contribute. I understand that it makes you feel worldly and wealthy to discuss your knowledge of the airports and airplanes of America. I understand that you're excited to be here. But you're not a crewmember on the space shuttle Discovery. Thousands upon thousands are doing the same thing you are right now, and commercial aviation has been around for many years. I know you want to appeal to other people, and that one way to do that is to talk about all the airports you've been to, suggesting that you're an interesting person who must travel to many cities and do interesting things. But this is not so. You bought the low fair just like the rest of us, so please, pipe down.

And finally: your complaints. I realize that nuisances occur before, during, and after air travel. Things break, weather changes, planes arrive late. Ahem: DEAL WITH IT. I always end up standing in front of you in line or behind you on the plane when something goes wrong and you start complaining about the lack of 'things being done' to fix the problem. Look, commercial aviation is complicated, ok? Coordinating air traffic all over America amidst thunderstorms, mechanical failures, unruly passengers, flight cancellations, and 21st century security concerns is not as easy as you seem to think it is. Also, here's some news: you don't know how to fly airplanes. It's tricky. Please stop making suggestions under your breath like "why don't they just get us out of here now and we can make up the time in the air?" Just because you heard a pilot say this once does not mean that you know what in the hell you are talking about. Just relax and let the professionals do their jobs, ok? ok.

Now then, I'm going to the airport again tomorrow, so hopefully our little talk here was timed perfectly to prevent any ugliness at LAX or JFK. Thanks.